HOW DO I KNOW IF MY COUNSELOR SUCKS?

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY COUNSELOR SUCKS?

Hi. I’m Marnie Macauley, founder of Strategic Relationship Thinking (thesrtway.com), a new, more effective method to solve relationship issues focusing on listening, hearing, communicating, and reacting accurately to solve problems with creative strategies.

Ready, let’s start with counselors I have known that suck. And then, turn to you my friends with “clues” to recognize other “suck-ers,” and when to grab your Vaporfly and spring the heck out of there. (And don’t forget your wallet.)

In my 35 years of experience, including supervising Columbia University advanced grad students, I’ve seen and worked with the good, the bad, and those who shouldn’t be allowed near gators in Lake Okeechobee.

Sadly, the bad ones are increasing. If that sounds harsh, it is. In these las few gens anyone can and is a mental health “expert.” There are assorted coaches, marriage and family counselors, mental health practitioners, hypnotists, psychologists with any degree, psychiatrists, analysts, et. al. They may be 21 years old and received a shiny piece of paper from LOTSA LUCK U, online, recognized in SW LotsaLuck, Paraguay … if it’s raining.

Here are two of my stories then we go general:  “Wait! A pro who had therapy? “ you may ask. You bet. While studying at Columbia grad school we were all advised to get “therapy” to help us as practitioners. A fellow student recommended a famous shrink, who wrote and was a flavor of the month. 

I was all of 21. I went. I listened. In 20 minutes, I got up. “When are you coming back?” he asked. “When elephants tap dance.” I ran home and took a shower.

Forward six months. Something on TV sounded familiar. I looked up. It was that shrink or a lookalike actor saying almost the exact same things he said to me: “Here’s a list. Pick the things that are wrong with you.” These included everything from bi-polar to rare sexual perversions only practiced by the Hapsburgs.  Next, he asked: “What do you do?” I told him student/social worker.  His answer? “So was my ex. Hate them.”  O-k Then added coyly: “I’m … just a man, you know, Yes, I’m your psychiatrist, but I’m also a man, too. You should know that.”  WHOA!

And NOW, that shrink was a movie of the week for being charged and convicted of sexually abusing (and more) his patients.  

The second one, like me also worked for the prison system. (Strategies I picked up there I will mine in other presentations). Now, I noticed something odd. As a psychoanalysis he said nothing and stared at his salt water fish tank. That is until I mentioned something about my work. Suddenly he went from Jacques Cousteau to Andy Cohen.  “Really?! So, the Commissioner told the Mayor – details! Oh, uh did itid it effect you?”  he added, taping it.  

The others I had a strange desire to diaper or knock them out with their new”Twelve Ways To …” books.

Now I hear it from clients, some of whom have been seriously damaged who I’ve had to put back together.  (The good mental health people,  I bless you.)

STRATEGIES: HERE WE GO: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR COUNSELOR SUCKS – (AND LOSE THEM?)

STRATEGY 1 RECOGNIZE THE WARNING SIGNS

8 MAJOR TYPES: SOME MAY BE MORE THAN ONE 

FIRST : THE DEITIES: THOSE WITH GODLIKE COMPLEXES INCLUDE:

Clues: 1) Their chair came from a Supreme Court auction. They are better and above you. They are manicured, bossy, arrogant and probably have a  massive control  problem. 2) They don’t listen to you as your opinion is flawed or who cares? They never claim an error or accept being wrong. 3) They INSTRUCT you what to believe and do.

YOUR STRATEGY: RE-ASSURE YOURSELF THAT COUNSELORS OR THERAPISTS ET. AL ARE NOT ONLY FALLABLE, BUT THEY ARE NOT YOUR BOSSES, YOU HIRED THEM. THEY ARE YOUR EMPLOYEES TO HELP NOT BE DICTATORS AND JUDGES!

SECOND TYPE: THE CLUELESS:

Clue 1) They know less that you do. Watch for lack of understanding. Clue 2. They work “by the book” or hand you a load of psychobabble. 3. They are too quick to “diagnose” you. HUH?  Over time, your problems are the same or worse.

YOUR STRATEGY: REMIND YOURSELF THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO ADD TO YOUR EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL GROWTH TOWARD A POSITIVE RESULT. IF NOT FIRE THEM AND ASK GOOGLE.  

THE THIRD TYPE: THE MANIPULATOR/GUILTER

Clue 1) Those are inappropriate in their behavior toward you, physically, or verbally. Clue 2: Try to increase your dependence on them through guilt. Clue 3: If you question you are either ungrateful, foolish, wrong, or insensitive to them.  They may even try to connect it to your so-called “problem.”

YOUR STRATEGY: TELL YOURSELF YOU’RE BEING EXTORTED.  NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PROBLEMS MAY BE, THE USE OF GUILT IN COUNSELLING IS NEVERACCEPTABLE AND REFLECTS ON THE COUNSELOR’S INSECURITY AND MORALS.

THE FOURTH TYPE: THE BIASED :

Clue 1) They show then exhibit more/less or no understanding and attention to say, a gender, race, religion, subject matter. (For example, men who fear counseling feeling there’s a bias toward females.)  Clue 2: Are more apt to believe and respond based on their bias. Clue 3: They have no interest in exploring your culture and beliefs.  

YOUR STRATEGY: WITHOUT QUESTION, BIAS ALWAYS THWARTS THE ABILITY TO FULLY RESONATE WITH THE CLIENT TO HELP THEM RESOLVE THEIR ISSUES. THE SMELL OF PREJUDICE IS HATEFUL. TREAT IT AS SUCH.

THE FIFTH TYPE: THE ABSENT:

Clue 1) The clock watcher. While we do watch time, I’m talking about the counselor who’s constantly checking the clock (while tapping a foot). Clue 2: They show no or little emotion during sessions no matter how big the news. Clue 3: They fail to follow up in a crisis or attempt to go the extra mile for you.

YOUR STRATEGY: KNOW THAT WHILE A COUNSELOR IS OBJECTIVE, THEY ARE NOT AI’S. (TRUE, THEY ALL DON’T HAVE TO BE QUIRKS LIKE ME) BUT THEIR ENTHUSIAM, POSITIVITY, RESPONSIVENESS, IN MY VIEW, ARE CRITICAL ELEMENTS IN LENDING YOU A VISION OF OPTIMISM AND HOPE.

THE SIXTH TYPE: THE UNTALENTED:

Clue 1) We know less than we think we know. Books are frozen as are theories. If a counselor can’t adapt skill sets to “customize” you, they simply aren’t good enough. Clue 2: The counselor who fails to help you create new skills and ideas to handle your issues. Clue 3: Those who blah blah you with platitudes need to take up needle point.

YOUR STRATEGY: TELL YOURSELF WE DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS (OR EVEN THE QUESTIONS).  EVEN MORE THAN IN MEDICINE, INTUITION, PASSION, INSIGHT, CREATIVITY, HIGH FOCUS, AND ADAPTABILITY ARE CRITICAL TO FILL IN THE UNKNOWNS AND LEND YOU A POSITIVE VISION. 

THE SEVENTH TYPE: THE POORLY TRAINED:

Clue 1) Important: Get the pro with the education you want. Today, there are a myriad of “helping: people with all kinds of titles. Research the differences among all the “TITLES.” If yours seems unable to deal with your kind of problem or has little academic background, NG. Clue 2: Look at the school they went to. There’s a huge difference between the Columbia University School of Social Work and remote Social Work at Podunk online. While it doesn’t have to be a top 10 school, it should be well recognized academically and in reviews from former clients. Clue 3: Use your best judgement. No amount of education guarantees skill or talent that works for you. If it feels that the counselor is not up to it for you, leave.

YOUR STRATEGY: WE ALL KNOW THAT IF YOU BROKE A TOOTH YOU’D SEE A GOOD (COSMETIC) DENTIST. DITTO FOR YOU EMOTIONAL, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. MAKE SURE YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE WITH A COUNSELOR WHO SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT SKILLS.

THE EIGHTH  TYPE:  THE POOR FIT:

Clue 1) If communication between you is garbled, difficult, or misunderstood a great deal no one’s getting anywhere. Clue2: You find the counselor sometimes acts as one of the other above examples and don’t like it. Clue 3: “I don’t like this person.” Your intuition is “avoidance.”  I RARELY get a negative feeling about someone off the bat but if I do, I TRUST IT. TRUST YOURS !

YOUR STRATEGY: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE A GOOD FIT. AT THE START, WE KEEP AN OPEN MIND, BUT IF YOUR SENSE IS NEGATIVE, BELIEVE IT. FIND ONE YOU FIT WELL WITH.

A good counseling relationship is reciprocal. No matter how I work with people I don’t consider myself above them, but BESIDE THEM. We’re a team for a common goal. And that goal is to help you become the best you can be.

DON’T BE INTIMIDATED, AFRAID, GUILTY, INSECURE. IF IT FEELS WRONG, IT IS WRONG. Simply say: “Thanks but this isn’t working out for me.”  You may wish to hear the counselor out, but … again, do what’s right for you. And if it’s leaving, TELL YOURSELF IT’S NOT NECESSARILY YOUR PROBLEM. (If it is that’s for another day.